Things I Would Do If I Were On "The Real World"

• Teach the other housemates fake vocabulary, like "frambly" and "turnwillish." Enjoy newfound power.• Attempt to explain to the housemates that having sex anywhere in Denver would automatically put you in the Mile-High Club. Eventually give up. • Make the producers immediately regret installing giant clear glass doors in the shower. • Pretend to be mildly retarded to earn sympathy from the housemates. Walk around naked. Hump the leg of the trashy-looking girl. (I realize that's all of them, but go with me.) Eventually admit that it was all an act. Make up further story about abuse to justify my behavior. Become hero of the house. • Speak only in dialogue from Diner. • Ask the two black residents of the house if they know my friend Ray Ray, who's in the joint on some b.s. B&E charge. Just to see what happens. • Soil myself during the confessional interviews. • Kill everyone in the house.