A Letter From HR

Daniel,First of all, how's it going? It's hard to believe you've been here for almost two years now. Who could have predicted when I interviewed you that there would be so many managerial and staff changes? Speaking of staff, your supervisor, D——, asked me to speak with you, but as I will be out of the office next week, I'm opting to send you an email instead of holding a more formal meeting in my office. You should still consider this a verbal warning, though. D—— has brought it to my attention that your behavior of late has been a little off. Specifically, he says he has witnessed you performing the following: • You softly sing the chorus of Berlin's "Take My Breath Away" when our most recent hire walks by your desk, a girl you have described (rather ill-advisedly) in intraoffice emails as "cute enough to kidnap." Needless to say, this is inappropriate, as are the jokes among coworkers using seemingly innocuous terms like "teabag," the meaning of which was made horribly clear to me when I Googled it this morning. • You have occasionally worn flip-flops, despite the fact that company dress code forbids men from wearing open-toed shoes, and have also been seen slipping them off to walk around in your bare feet. This is a violation of corporate policy, as is your habit of rubbing your feet vigorously against the carpet to "grunge out the sweat," as you've been heard to say. • You go out of your way to work the word "balls" into conversations with management, which, though humorous in an after-hours or weekend setting, is discouraged at the office. • You used a pica pole to scratch your chode during the most recent office-wide meeting. • Finally, instead of coping with our parking difficulties as we have done by allowing the garage attendants to double-park your car and retain your keys, you have simply begun hurling cinderblocks through the windows of cars in reserved spaces. This will not stand. Needless to say, we still heartily value your skills and the contributions you bring to a team that has been functioning stronger than ever in recent months. But these behavioral lapses are just plain unacceptable. I understand that this time of year is stressful on all of us, especially employees like yourself who have not yet worked their way up the ladder of opportunity to a survivable wage. Feel free to swing by my office next week, when we can discuss these matters in greater detail. Sincerely, M—— Director of Human Resources