The Truth About John McCain

• He made his money in dirigibles.• He wants to win by stirring up still-potent Southern anger over losing the Civil War. • He has his suits hand-made by "the last trustworthy Indian." • He won his wife in a poker game with Doc Holliday. • He plans to publish his autobiography in serialized installments in the Saturday Evening Post. • He will make purchases with gold bars, but would prefer to use bags of salt or livestock. • He keeps trying to help Barack Obama escape to freedom on the Underground Railroad.