Things That Would Make Me Vote For John McCain

john-mccain.jpg• At every speaking engagement and debate until the general election, John McCain and Sarah Palin must perform a duet of "A Whole New World." Bonus points given for attempts at choreography/set design/dialogue intros, but the song is key. • McCain must promise to make my dad Secretary of Discussing Where to Get a Good Burger in South Texas. • At the vice presidential debate, Palin must, whenever not speaking, remove her glasses and chew thoughtfully and (just barely) playfully on one of the stems. Bonus points for complimenting Joe Biden's posture. • McCain must promise to put congressional funds into a task force designed to discover a solid financial model to help newspapers adjust to the digital age. • Four-day work week. Seven hours a day. • He must make Schlitterbahn a national landmark. • McCain must spend one debate with Barack Obama discussing the differences in cultural impact between, the psychological profiles of, and the general interpersonal combat readiness of Batman and Superman. It doesn't matter specifically which side he takes; what I mean is, though I would side with the Caped Crusader, McCain can totally come out swinging for the Son of Krypton. What matters is his knowledge, oratory strength, and critical reasoning. • He must work the text of Bryan Adams' "Summer of '69" into every speech and radio address. Example: "When I was in Hanoi, all I could dream about was getting back to my family and friends. I could still remember what life was like before that war: we were young and restless. In a way, we needed to unwind. But I knew nothing could last forever." Or whatever, you know? Have fun with it. • Buy my mom a new car.