Online Transcripts

Racism As Capitalist Enterprise: An Online Transcript

Well, shit. I was gonna name my new band A Pack of N**gers but now people will just think I'm copying Mel Gibson. Thanks a LOT, Mel.Thu Jul 01 20:27:36 via web

@danielwcarlson you should still put out your debut single "I'm Going To Blow The Fucking House Down (But You Will Blow Me First)"Thu Jul 01 20:29:02 via TwitterGadget

@danielwcarlson I envision it as kind of a George Jones/Tammy Wynette number.Thu Jul 01 20:30:18 via TwitterGadget

@MattSpringer I'll probably stick with the album title "World War Jew" though. Still, back to the drawing board for the band name,Thu Jul 01 20:31:53 via web

@danielwcarlson yeah, makes sense. fits with the other lead-off single "Your Love and the Holocaust Never Happened"Thu Jul 01 20:32:38 via TwitterGadget

@MattSpringer I thought that was a Ray Stevens song.Thu Jul 01 20:33:22 via web

@danielwcarlson aaand...scene! brilliant.Thu Jul 01 20:33:42 via TwitterGadget

Marooned For All Eternity On A Dead Planet: An Online Transcript

khan_l.jpgRob: so want to see a potential future roommate of mine? (sends link) me: ... huh ask her what the 60s were like Rob: the 60s? me: the era in which she was born? Rob: ah yes me: maybe she's just done some hard living Rob: haha me: i think you should live with her Rob: ryan thought she was hot me: um no, she's not she's not repulsive but i am not attracted to a woman whose chest looks like ricardo montalban's in Wrath of Khan

At Least No One Mentioned ABBA: An Online Transcript

My boss: You seem to be a man without a song epoxy-ed to his cranium. Let me remedy that:Zoot suit riot -- RIOT!! me: ...i will find a way to get even THROW BACK A BOTTLE OF BEEEER crap My boss: Yeah, that was inhumane. A cure: Hey Macarena HEEEYYYYYY!! me: love me love me, say that you love me, fool me fool me, go on and fool me My boss: Shithead.

I Can Feel It In My Midichlorians: An Online Transcript

TradeFederationBattleshipPhoto.jpgme: whoa whoa there's a love theme in the prequels? Tracy: apparently there was some sort of love story, I don't know I never really caught it I was too caught up in the crazy Asian-style Trade Federation me: well the trade federation can't very well demand dipolomatic status in one breath and refuse to honor export tariffs in the next! THAT'S NOT WHAT STAR WARS IS ABOUT MOTHERF**KER PAY YOUR TAXES Tracy: my god you're brilliant me: i'm just trying to uphold george's vision Tracy: yeah his perfect perfect vision me: glad you finally came around now we can be friends Tracy: I was always on your side, no worries. Prequels 4EVAH

Fill In Your Own Joke About Lotion And Baskets: An Online Transcript

Me: Chatty Guy just asked the chart girl why she wasn't at (friday's epic office party)and she had no idea what he meant Abby: awkward Me: not as awkward as their ensuing conversation about their respective weekends Abby: does he live by himself? maybe he doesn't have anyone to talk to in his personal life and when he gets to work all of his thoughts explode out of him Me: no one to talk to but his victims Abby: ahhhhhhhhh don't look in his freezer

I Smell Spinoff: An Online Transcript

Halbey: if leoben and bin linus are in a room playing pokerwhat happens Me: zero sum game. constant bluffing assures that no one will ever take the entire pot Halbey: i'd watch that one-act play Me: kate and starbuck in a crazy-off. who wins? Halbey: starbuck we don't even know if she's a human being that's how crazy she is kate can fight to survive or whatever but kara doesn't give a frak plus she is the only possibly nonhuman alcoholic i've heard of besides tigh i guess plus kate is stringing along two already-messed up guys in jack and sawyer. i guess she did get that one guy killed. but starbuck is leading along the son of adama and also the caprican equivalent of lebron james i think your crazy quota has to be higher to pull that off jack v lee in a "grim face bc i have the weight of the world on my shoulders" stareoff Me: hmm jack, but barely. he's had to be the leader, whereas lee keeps finding ways to be no. 2 Halbey: who felt worse about their infidelity Me: jack lee was always starbuck's bitch Halbey: boy that's the truth. i think jack also regrets his prostitution experiment more too. wasn't bai ling a hooker?

I Couldn't Resist: An Online Transcript

(While The Sis was forced to monitor the Grammys at work:)Sis: now katy perry is dancing with quite an elaborate stage setup me: yeesh kevin IMd me and said he hopes the grammys blow up so we have an interesting story and i think that would be AWESOME Sis: haha she was out of breath most of the time and looked confused. and she seem surprised when it ended me: sounds like my last date CAN I GET A WITNESS Sis: hahahaha me: :-D ok seriously thanks for the best setup i'll ever get that one was right over the plate

Or At Least Two Shirts On The Same Hanger: An Online Transcript

me: i watched Milk last nightSis: ooh, how was it? me: good it's tough to watch a hyped movie in awards season, especially when peter travers' masturbatory blurbs are everywhere e.g. "i would murder my firstborn if he didn't love this movie" but it's good Sis: haha me: it's tough b/c it's stuck between biopic and character study. they try to cover so many years that some of the action is a little blurry and disconnected, but the final year is pretty grounded and also, less gay than Brokeback Sis: less gay?! ;) me: you see dudes kissing, and resting in bed, and even kind of fooling around, but no one ever really takes anyone from behind and dammit i want to see dudes getting it on Sis: hahahaha i just burst out laughing at that me: "i didn't come here for this impressionistic shit! LET'S SEE SOME ACTION" Sis: hehe

Texas Is As Texas Does: A Pair Of Online Live Transcripts

Me: I mean, Sing Song. How do you explain where you're from if it means explaining Sing Song?Chris: It's why people write novels, man.

Me: [via phone, while driving] I am in Waxahachie, and it is gorgeous. Ryan: Isn't it? Me: Nothing but steel and tractors and plains. Ryan: That place is made special for Dan Carlson. Me: It's like God knew I was coming! Ryan: I'll tell you what else they've got: an Assemblies of God seminary. Me: You sold me, sir. You sold me. Ryan: I know. Me: That does it, I'm stopping here. I'll live here.

The Thin Line Between Terror And Boredom: An Online Transcript

Me: [in reference to a just inordinately chatty new guy at the office] holy moses i actually forgot how much this guy talksCharley: yeah, it's like you're on tv's bloopers and practical jokes Me: no, that would be wacky and hilarious this is soul-drying Charley: but imagine it from the perspective of someone who doesn't have to endure it while trying to work it's so intense it's hilarious Me: yeah, in that Hostel/Saw kind of way Charley: torture is fun to witness, yes

It Was All I Could Do Not To Make A "Vampire Layer" Pun: An Online Transcript

Sis: "He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare. His glistening, pale lavender lids were shut, though of course he didn't sleep."guess what that's an excerpt from! me: oh my goodness my diary! Sis: ... i'm so sorry i snooped! i couldn't help it! me: seriously is that twilight Sis: haha, yes me: b/c i'm about to murder someone it's that bad Sis: the slate review had that that excerpt in it as a reason why the author hasn't read the book hehe those lines are enough to make dan brown and nicholas sparks cry me: ok i usually don't like dana stevens, but now i will read the review b/c that's awesome Sis: interesting that's weird that the female character might actually want to be a vampire and it's so wrong to have vampires who can go out in daylight. CHEATING. at least sookie has spunk and on that note, i'm going to dinner

Plus He Probably Smells Good: An Online Transcript

obamasurf.jpgSis: welp me: yep i like obama so much i wanna name my kid barack Sis: :) i bet there will be kids named barack starting soon me: i bet if you say the name barack 3 times a pony appears and takes you on a ride in the sky Sis: ooh ooh ooh try it! me: i can't type right now, MY PONY JUST ARRIVED Sis: OH WOW I'M SO JEALOUS me: i bet if you whisper barack's name to a tree it sprouts fruit Sis: haha if you sing barack's name facing the sky, will it rain? me: it'll rain gumdrops! Sis: wow! me: if you say barack's name in the shower it gets rid of any lime or mildew stains Sis: if you write barack's name on a slip of paper and leave it under your pillow at night, you'll wake up 5 years younger me: i have to try that! if you get a puppy and name it barack, it will never die Sis: [changes bama's name to barack] if you chant barack's name while taking 10 steps backward, then jump in the air and yell "change!," a genie will appear to grant you three wishes. me: if you think barack's name underwater, you can hold your breath for up to an hour Sis: if you stare at your reflection in the mirror, without blinking, and repeat barack's name five times, your eyesight will correct itself me: if you say barack's name while doing laundry, all your stains come right out ... basically, barack's name is possessed of many talismanic qualities Sis: it appears that way [The Sis and I have also spoken about related matters.]

Plus There Were Typewriters: An Online Transcript

me: there's one of these next to my office on the sidewalk:(sends link) Sis: nice me: yeah kind of a cool jab at, you know, change i mean, the business sucks right now, completely still, nice to see someone keep swinging Sis: seriously me: like, watching Wire 5 makes me want to be a reporter, but an old one 30 years ago some old guy who won't even use a fax machine Sis: right, totally it makes you sad that you missed the boat me: yeah work some small-town rag, know everyone at the hall, flirt with secretaries, where's my hat janet i've got a meeting Sis: :) me: "you tell the mayor he can put an egg in his shoe and beat it! we've got the exclusive!" [goes maybe a little overboard] Sis: hehe i want to work at your newsroom me: we don't have a lot of dolls, but if you're thick skinned enough, we could use you Sis: ok i promise i won't get my skirt in a knot me: do it and you're out on your keyster

An Olympic Double-Header

First up, over at the Willamette Week, I take a look at the tribute to bloated pomp that is the Olympics. It's basically 17 days of sports smothered by horribly cloying human-interest stories.Click here for the piece. Second, touching on a subject I only glanced upon in the column, I can't get over how much the viewing public is willing to put aside in re: China's wild abuses of human rights in order to pretend to give a shit about Michael Phelps. In the spirit of that, here's an online transcript: slackeer33: (sends link) sad me: lame plus some of the fireworks were digitally done for home viewers slackeer33: whaaaaat me: (sends link) slackeer33: "this is actually almost animation" hahaha me: yeah lame slackeer33: china is just ridiculous me: yeah fake fireworks, oppression, human rights abuses, trying to make it rain slackeer33: i liked how they opening ceremonies highlighted environmental responsibility and all that harmony and concern for future generation stuff. yeah. ok, china. me: haha yes harmony IN FIERCE ACCORDANCE WITH YOUR GOVERNMENT slackeer33: haha yeah we kept joking during the gymnastics about how the mistakes would cost them a lot more than just a low score "i have shamed my family. i will have to throw myself to my death promptly after completion of this rotation." me: now that i would tune in for

I Will Cut You Open Like A Tauntaun: An Online Transcript

me: the parttime erotica paginator just defended george lucas' computer-enhanced versions of the original Star Wars trilogy, saying they were "gorgeous" and full of things he couldn't do in 1977i hate her so hard Sis: oh wow punch her punch her now! me: OK i did it she got upset but i said you made me Sis: ok man, no person should ever defend those edits, or the prequels me: exactly EXACTLY

Cue The Berlin For The Last Time: An Online Transcript

Sis: layoffs at work? that sucksme: yep we lost several, including GTHM Sis: oh wow that sucks for them me: but GTHM her bringing me my xeroxes of the day's dummies was always among the 3 best parts of EVERY DAY Sis: who will you pine for now? me: I HAVE NO IDEA Sis: sad times me: oh GTHM let me comfort thee Sis: well, how is everything else going? me: i'm also struggling against the cold and mighty wind of despair that's sweeping through my heart and leaving me a lost and wandering man now that GTHM and i are no more to be together Sis: wow she's engaged me: no man's cheap metal can purchase the heart of the woman for whom i have so long striven Sis: haha touche me: for on the day that i consign my love to the abyss like some fairweather maiden — on that day, i shall no more be a man than the lad who has yet to know the touch of a woman as such as GTHM [gets shakespearean in his delirium] Sis: hehe me: FIE UPON THEE, WINDS OF FATE THAT HAVE SWEPT UP MY LOVE SO

In Which I Try To Help A Friend See The Error Of Her Ways: An Online Transcript

[In the midst of discussing future job opportunities:]Her: where do you want to work? Maybe you could work for perez hilton! me: i would only work for perez hilton as part of a plan to infiltrate his organization and brutally kill him Her: hahaha no! i love him! me: good God no melanie no no come back to the light Her: :) i can't live with out my perez hit and tmz me: tmz = not good for you either, though maybe better than perez if satan had a gay cousin, it would be perez hilton

This Is What We Talk About: Excerpts From Online Transcripts

Sis: ok, a photog just came by and said that he read that the guy from "Weird Science" who wasn't Anthony Michael Hall is now a professor of literature at Angelo State. i told him we should do a story on him. and then i started saying "crazy? insane? insane? crazy?"me: hahaha man, i wanna meet that guy Sis: seriously

me: earlier, my boss asked GTHM to help set up her dvd player. but guess what — IT'S A VCR i have no idea how this escaped my boss' notice but it did Sis: hahahahahaha that's so awesome me: yep her lack of technological know-how is astounding
Roommate: man, i was just thinking how great 80s TV shows were...the fall guy, magnum pi, chips, airwolf, knight rider, dukes of hazzard simon and simon to a lesser extent me: Airwolf was awesome Roommate: jake and the fatman sucked plus i think all of the shows were on in the afternoon when i got home from school none of this wait till 9pm at night BS me: you should travel back in time Roommate: i've been trying all morning...damn machine doesn't work i must have crossed the circuitry somehow me: did you put in a quarter? there's your problem Roommate: no change machine me: damn Roommate: only takes singles
Roommate: ok, the guy here at work said the movie with kristen bell was iduno...never saw it me: me either i mean, i could find this out in like 2 seconds w/ google but my ass would get fired Roommate: i just looked it up on imdb...said it was iduno me: yeah your coworker is nuts Roommate: i doubt topless...sounded more like a quick skin flash while in a tub me: pssht Roommate: lol no pleasing you...even hearing that i was kind of excited for you me: haha thanks man i'm not saying i'm not pleased by the idea. i just think that with my level of love for kristen bell, i would've heard the news Roommate: well, by your reaction...i think you're gay me: well, i do love cock
Sis: i'm watching pretty in pink me: james spader is a badass in white pants Sis: and wicker shoes with no socks me: BAD ASS Sis: it's true i don't get why people are so mean to duckie, though i don't remember there being nerds like that getting hit in the halls and pushed into bathrooms. maybe because i'm a girl me: yeah, nerd hazing is more typically confined to locker rooms or sporting arenas then again, it is john hughes Sis: yeah james is on! me: you could never mention this again and call me up in 20 years and say, "hey, what do you think of spader in Pretty in Pink?" and i would say "BADASS IN WHITE PANTS" it is an eternal truth Sis: haha it's so true Blaine?! that's not a name, that's a major appliance sorry man, i need sleep me: what kind of appliance is blaine? THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE JOHN

Shawshankin': An Online Transcript (And More)

me: at the end of Shawshank, the warden slams down the paper when he sees it's a story about his illegal deeds. but wouldn't the paper have had to contact him for a quote before running the story?Sis: haha yes and no if they're wanting to break a story, they might just run it me: true, but they can be reasonably assured it's an exclusive, given that they're probably the only ones who received a package containing the prison's ledger, not to mention this is way before online/instant news it seems like it would only be responsible to contact the warden before going to press maybe that would have changed everything maybe the warden would've run off or plead out instead of killing himself and now the paper's editor has the warden's death on his conscience Sis: yeah, he might have been a flight risk me: oh totally bail would be super high at the arraignment assuming they caught him • Further thought: Andy created the fictional Randall Stevens as a way to launder the warden's money and act as a kind of nexus for all the illegal goings-on at Shawshank. Andy even says that if anyone wanted to trace the cash, it wouldn't lead to the warden, but to the nonexistent Stevens. But once Andy escapes, he temporarily assumes the Stevens identity to make a series of withdrawals at local banks before splitting for Mexico. Now that the local news and law enforcement officials are pursuing the missing Andy Dufresne and investigating the warden's life, isn't it reasonable to assume they're going to discover the Stevens alias and eventually track Andy to Mexico? I'm not saying this is a given; it just seems like Andy would want to stay on his toes.